Summer shuffle

Right now, the crickets and cicadas are chirping and hissing on the dune. The dull crash of the waves echo in the distance in a calming rhythm — swoosh in, swoosh out.

We have been trying to make for lost time this summer. At least, it seems that way. Things from my husband’s past have been shared almost weekly with the kids. Relatives who live nearby have seen more of my kids in the span of four months more than they have in almost 11 years.

I haven’t written here in a while out of a loss for words. There are too many adventures to tell, but do they really fit within the theme of a fitness/health/ parenting blog?

Also I haven’t written much out of shame. I’ve drank too much beer, enjoyed too many birthday cakes and pizza slices to feel like I can really contribute to this blog fully. Am I an internet poser? Perhaps.

But more than that, I am human. And I am a human who is tired of being exhausted and unable to see my kids for who they are — an artist/athlete, a scientist/engineer and overall decent human.

I spend much of my time in the past keeping away from my kids — afraid I may break them more than I already have.

In some ways it was a cry for help. In other ways, it was a way to not deal with the mess and own it.

But here I am, listening to the insects sing their mating songs while figuring out whether we’ll run on the beach proper or a big sand dune. (I need a good hill workout.) I listen as they talk in their sleep about toys or going to school.

And by getting uncomfortably comfortable with my family, I’ve decided to go a few steps further. I’m going to my first physical since 2012.

I am actively listening to podcasts and reading stuff to help me tackle issues in my life — the main one of which is feeling angry and lost because I don’t have a “purpose.”

My purpose is to live. My purpose is to show up and be present. My purpose is to lead the way for my kids. But I lack that feeling of being me — having time to be me without someone yelling “mom”.

My daughter is training for her first school sports season — cross country. I am the parent who runs with her, though she’s faster than I am.

During these runs, I get to see who she is, something I missed previously. To be honest, parenting doesn’t comes as naturally to me as I thought it would. She was the first test subject, and she knew/knows how to get me worked up.

But I am improving as a person, which is making me a better parent.

I’ve slid in some aspects of my fitness game — mostly physically — but but my mental game is improving by leaps and bounds.

I have been working on this fitness stuff since 2012. And for the most part, it’s been a solo ride — I create the training plan, set goals, etc.

But now I know I can’t go it alone. I may have said it before, but honestly I have a short-term memory issues. If it’s not written down, I’ll forget.

So, next week, we begin to figure out what I can do to be more present, more active in my daily life. It’s scary but a relief at the same time, as I know it’s necessary.

The moon beacons me to bed. I have some sand to climb tomorrow.

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