I just want to give you a heads up. This is a stream of consciousness post. While many of my posts are like that, this may be a little more than usual.

Tonight is my last one as a 46 year old. I can’t really tell if I’ve gotten any wiser in my 46 years. I have dealt with a lot of things, some scary as the IT clown to me, but rather boring to others in the grand scheme of things.

I know life is not a linear journey. It ebbs and flows like the tide at the beach. Sometimes it brings beautiful things to the surface, like shells. Other time, dead bodies (usually marine life) or trash come to shore.

Beach isn’t just along salt water-filled oceans. Lakes and rivers, like the Ohio River shown here. The waves and current can mess with you.

When life hits like a huge wave, you can either go with the flow or let it take you down. I tend to crumble when the waves comes, excited yet scared and the fear easily wins.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and my family would try to get from my grandmother’s house to my uncle’s house that was on the opposite side of the lake. My grandma had a small, metal boat with an outboard motor.

The waves toward the middle of the lake were too much for the small boat to handle, so we always turned back.

What if we considered doing something else — using the neighbor’s boat, putting a sail on that dingy or just going through the waves at an angle?

We never know if we will succeed if we don’t try. I am a person who fails a lot more times than I’d like. I have learned to try again, but have issues making changes stick.

But it’s time for a change. Maybe some thought and taking a little bit of a project on at a time will help me actually get through to Level 48.

This past weekend, I rode a bike for the first time in a while. I learned to ride when I was 8 years old and loved biking. I biked everywhere until … life happened and the car became better for hauling me and the kids, groceries, etc.

I was given the task of riding our crappy bike, which has pedal brakes. They’re good for a hard stop on a flat surface, but suck on slowing while going down hills or slowing to navigate a turn.

As I biked through places I hadn’t seen in 20 years, I wondered, “What the hell took me so long?”

Except for the fact I had no real brakes, I loved the trip.

My first bike ride in a while. I went 6,2 miles.

What took me so long was fear. Being afraid of not being able to make it. Afraid of what others in my family would think of my actions. Afraid of soaring too close to the sun.

I tend to do birthday resolutions. As an almost level 47 renaissance woman want-to-be, I have things I want to accomplish this year. I tend to write a list, work on it for a month, then move on to the next shiny thing.

But in level 46, I made a thick, awesome blanket and even kept it although one side is rather wavy. Who know what else I can do if I really focus?

So my level 47 quests include:

  • Seeing my first-born child successfully graduate high school.
  • Learning more about the healing power of plants.
  • Telling fear take a back seat to excitement more.
  • Making another blanket.
  • Making my dreams, health and well-being a priority.

I don’t know what this journey will look like. It’s similar to past year’s goals, but feels different. Maybe because this year is my last chance to show my daughter how to live her best life. Maybe I’m just super tired due to lack of sleep (air conditioner is broken) and hallucinating. It’s probably a combination of both.

Life is uncharted and it’s important to take the scary chances that you know will benefit you in the long run.

Level 47, here I come.